something fun

All this talk about me being Ken Penner’s alter ego has made me want to watch something silly for awhile. I’m somewhat addicted to this silly music video entitled “Video Killed The YTMND Star.” “YTMND” stands for “You’re The Man Now, Dog” which is a line painfully delivered by Scotsman Sean Connery in the film “Finding Forrester.” Someone decided to make an annoying website that replayed that clip over and over again, and a new genre of webpage was born. YTMND.com is dedicated to publishing these pages that, while perhaps less famous than the regrettable event that was Hamster Dance, are certainly no less annoying.

This video is comprised mainly of clips from ytmnd.com, and it’s not only funny, but clever as well…

are you really real? part II

My last post gets even better. Check out this comment exchange from Geoff Hudson’s blog. I’ve added the latest posts as well, and it turns out… I shouldn’t have bothered saying anything to this loon.

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Anonymous said…
http://www.stfx.ca/academic/religious-studies/faculty3.html

Thursday, November 17, 2005 10:29:53 AM

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Pete said…
Um, “Ken Penner” isn’t an alias. In fact, he’s my Greek professor here at Acadia Divinity College (just started this year). I don’t know what you consider “traceable” but I seriously question your research methods.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005 7:22:21 AM

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Pete said…
Further to my post, here’s Ken’s website detailing just about EVERYTHING they’ve ever done:

http://s91279732.onlinehome.us/

…including his work at McMaster.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005 7:25:35 AM

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Geoff Hudson said…
How convenient, the web site http://adc.acadiau.ca/ is under construction.

Is he a Greek, or a professor of Greek? And who are they?

Unfortunately, it seems that many scholars choose to hide behind pseudonymns when writing to certain lists.

This is what I consider traceable.
Geoff Hudson, 233 The Long Shoot, Nuneaton, Warwickshire, CV11 6JH, UK, Tel. 024 7673 7417, geoffdothudsonatntlworlddotcom. (A transparent 100%er who has walked the tightrope – The Sea of Faith by Don Cupitt)

Wednesday, December 28, 2005 9:07:39 AM

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Geoff Hudson said…
http://members.fortunecity.com/penners/Ken/index.htm

Interesting – when I try this Ken Penner web site, I get the message:
ERROR – THE PAGE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR WAS NOT FOUND.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005 9:26:29 AM

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Pete said…
Wow, I don’t know what to say. I gave you his website address, and you came up with some fortunecity address. No idea where that came from. ALL of his information is located at http://s91279732.onlinehome.us/ and it all appears just fine to me and the rest of the world. His CV includes all the information you regard as nessesary to constitute “traceable.”

He is my professor of New Testament Greek at Acadia Divinity College here in Wolfville, Nova Scotia (operating on the campus of Acadia University). The College’s website was defaced last month, and subsequently is under constuction now. Even the simplest surface-level research would make that clear, and I believe I’ve successfully documented that fact on my own blog. Interesting? Only if you’re paranoid.

While I appreciate your attempt to maintain a level of critical skepticism of scholarship claims, your work on this site has been, quite frankly, irresponsible. I hope you’ll take some time to refocus your efforts. It’s a good idea, just executed poorly.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005 9:59:09 AM

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Geoff Hudson said…
So you will have no objection to identifying yourself in the same manner, will you not, Pete?

For all I know, you might be the illusive Ken Penner yourself? In any event, I would have thought Mr Ken Penner would be writing to me complaining personally.

Strangely, the web site for the Penner family http://members.fortunecity.com/penners/ (which you say you know nothing of)has the same street address in it for Ken Penner as the web site you yourself are crowing about, namely http://s91279732.onlinehome.us Thus according to your own evidence, and by implication, the latter web site you gave me must be a complete fabrication, Pete.

And you have still not said what you meant by your subconcious giveaway ‘they’ve’ – you were obviously aware of the fake Penner family web site. Feeling tied-up in knots Pete? Whose research is looking a bit sick now, Pete?

Can you give me the result of some publicly recorded event or competition, not related to biblical studies, in which Mr Penner’s name appears in the results?

Wednesday, December 28, 2005 12:23:34 PM

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Pete said…
Wow, not only are you the worst web researcher I’ve ever encountered, but you also may be suffering from some form of clinical paranoia.

So, because the web is a transient, undulating, ever-changing medium, any 404 errors must be part of the conspiracy. As far as identifying myself, I will happily identify myself as Pete Freckelton of Port Williams, Nova Scotia, and member of New Minas Baptist Church as well as a student at Acadia Divinity College, but I’m not about to post my home phone number and street address on the internet. I have a daughter, so it’s not worth putting her at risk.

All you ever had to do was pick up the phone and CALL some of these folks. Call McMaster! Call Acadia Divinity College! Rather, you make assertions and then dismiss all evidences as “fabrications” in your manufactured conspiracy. The amount of time that would need to be spend to manufacture all the evidence I presented on my blog, including access to university computers and faculty network privledges, would simply not be worth the time and the payoff. What could one possibly gain by impersonating a biblical scholar… victory in an online debate?

Yep, I did make a type-o in that post by saying “they’ve.” If you want to think of it as a Freudian slip in your conspiracy theory, feel free. I now inderstand why Ken never bothered to respond to you (outside of the email you say you recieved). Why would any scholar in his right mind consider it a worthy endeavour to prove his own existance?

Hey, maybe I AM Ken Penner. Maybe I’m Craig Evans too! Maybe I’m Lee McDonald as well! All those names associated with Acadia Divinity College could actually be me. All those books on Amazon by these folks? Those may actually be me! Woohoo! I can hardly wait for the royalty cheques to start rolling in!

Good day sir. This is just too silly, even for the unscholarly likes of me.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005 1:54:04 PM

are you really real?

When I do research on the internet, I try to be as thorough as physically possible. Since I’ve been an internet user since before the web even existed, and an internet application developer for some years, I have a small advantage in that area. I know what tools, keywords and syntax to use to dig as deeply as possible. I know the shortcuts and back doors, as well as many of the dusty corners. There are some folks out there, however, who don’t know how to do research.

Take, for example, one Geoff Hudson (geoff.hudson@ntlworld.com). In February of 2001, a brief discussion occurred on the GMark mailing list, a discussion list promoting scholarly exchanges regarding the Gospel of Mark. One Dr. Peter M. Head made an almost passing comment in response to a message:

We know that these discussion lists are full of both fraudulent identity claims and pious wishes for continuities with the pre-computer world of the previous generation. But this makes a hermeneutic of suspicion ever more important.

Dr. Head is absolutely correct in his caution. We live in an age that anyone can have a public audience, as we’ve seen in the case of Mike Klander. People whose only educational renown can be found on old detention lists at their local high school can claim to be high and mighty scholars. Seriously, what’s to stop “John Doe” from calling himself “Dr. John Doe?” For that matter, what’s to stop him from calling himself “High Lord Emperor John Doe.” We need someone to check these claims of scholarship! We need someone to unveil the truth! We need a Hero!

Enter Geoff Hudson. Geoff (who was banned from the Internet Infidels discussion forum, probably related to his repeated unprovable assertions that Jesus didn’t exist) started a blog called BIBLIOALIASES where he posts the names of potential pseudo-scholars, and waits for feedback. For the most part, he just posts the name with no commentary, expecting people to comment on whether or not the individual is real. Geoff’s last post, however, amused me mightily. On October 18th, 2005, Geoff brings the following to our attention:

Ken Penner

Supposedly, was once a lecturer in Introduction to Biblical Hebrew at Mcmaster University in the Department of Religious Studies headed by Eileen Schuler. I sent an e-mail to someone on 03/07/05 saying that Ken Penner was an alias. On 05/07/05 Ken Penner’s name was deleted from the Introduction to Biblical Hebrew courses and the name of Boda was substituted.

An e-mail I have, supposedly from Ken Penner, states that both he and Eileen Schuler are joint owners of the list g-megillot for Dead Sea Scroll studies. http://mailman.McMaster.CA/mailman/listinfo/g-megillot

I cannot trace Ken Penner anywhere. One would think that such a so-called academic e-list would have traceable owners.

AH HA! So, this “Ken Penner” is actually an alias. Perhaps he’s not even a real person. Perhaps he’s a part of a government conspiracy attempting to undermine Christian scholarship in order to shake the “Christian right” and move toward a New World Order of religious liberalism! That explains it! That explains why this so-called “Ken Penner” gave me a C+ on my second Greek grammar quiz!

Yes, that’s right. Ken Penner is not only a real live person, but he’s also my Greek professor at Acadia Divinity College. I remember the first day I met him, one Thursday in September, as he said “Let’s pray,” and immediately broke into the Lord’s prayer… in Greek! He successfully freaked us all out. I remember that Thursday evening as well, when I Googled Ken Penner, just because that’s what I do. While Geoff seemed to be unable to trace Ken, I found his name all over the place. Geoff must use a special filter for Google… one that filters all relevant results.

Among Ken’s internet exploits you will discover that he is the author of Flash! Pro, vocabulary memorization software – perfect for you Biblical Greek/Hebrew/Aramaic students. You can find his CV (including his “supposed” work at McMaster), his papers, his reference sheets and his dissertation proposal on his home page. He’s also one of the major contributers to the Online Critical Pseudepigrapha, and he is the administrator on record of the list Geoff Hudson mentioned, g-Megillot, “Scholarly discussion of the Dead Sea Scrolls.” In fact, let’s just do some extremely surface-level research together, shall we? Let’s take the link Geoff posted (http://mailman.McMaster.CA/mailman/listinfo/g-megillot) and search the text for “Penner” just to find out how Ken Penner is involved. Hrm, the only result is a contact email at the bottom of the page. Okay, well let’s just take that email address and see where else it appears with a Google search. So, cut n’ paste “pennerkm@mcmaster.ca” into Google and… wow… 98 results. Lets see here. Many of the mentions involve his software, Flash! Pro (including his home page, and all the information on it), many posts to Biblical language mailing lists, there’s the page from when he was a TA in Religious studies at McMaster. There’s his Wisdom Liturature blog, obviously for a class he was teaching. Using that ONE peice of personal information, an email address, I managed to trace a substantial amount of this alleged person’s scholarly career.

If one digs just the tiniest bit deeper, you will find his author entry at the Journal of Biblical Studies, and preorder the “Old Testament Greek Pseudepigrapha with Morphology” from Logos Bible Software which states, “All Greek texts have been morphologically tagged and lemmatized by Ken Penner, PhD (cand.), a project director and general editor for The Online Critical Pseudepigrapha project.” You will also find his countless contributions to other scholarly discussions and projects, such as The Open Scrolls Project, B-Greek, b-hebrew among others. You will find kudos to Ken plastered all over other people’s blogs, and you’ll eventually even find Ken’s blog initiated specifically for my Greek class.

Ken Penner isn’t the first to be accused of not existing by Geoff Hudson. Horace Jeffery Hodges posted this tidbit on his blog back in June of this year:

My nonexistence has been greatly exaggerated.

Somebody thinks that I don’t exist. No, not here at the conference, where nobody is yet conflating me with the docetic Christ. Rather, it’s somebody whom I’ve never met . . . but maybe that goes without saying. If I had met him, he’d have to believe in my existence, right?

Jeffrey Gibson informs me that a certain Geoff Hudson has been emailing various scholars to alert them to the ‘fact’ that I am actually an alias for Gibson.

I won’t waste my time trying to prove Mr. Hudson wrong. But if you various scholars out there are willing to attest to my existence as the genuine Horace Jeffery Hodges attending this SBL Conference in Singapore . . . well, have at it.

While I concur with Dr. Head that it’s important to maintain a level of critical skepticism when someone claims anonymous scholarship, or cites such a vaporous source, I also would assert that one has to be careful in weighing skepticism. After my surface-level research of Ken Penner, I can only assume one of two possibilities: Geoff Hudson is either a really bad researcher or intentionally spreading falsehoods. Okay, perhaps three possibilities… he could be drunk.

quick! hide under this rock!

Apparently web sites are kind of like dominos. Once one goes down, they all go down. Such is the case for poor Mike Klander, who’s blog was taken down earlier this week. Now his professional site (www.klander.ca & www.mikeklander.com) has been deleted as well, possibly because news agencies were using the contact information located on the page to bug him for interviews. They quite possibly were also checking on his list of clients to get their reaction to his recent 15 minutes of fame.

Meanwhile, as Liberal officials continue to downplay his importance to the Liberal Party, Mr. Klander seemed to have no difficulty boosting his own importance on his professional website. Up until last night, it used to proudly declare (emphasis mine):

With over fifteen years of experience in federal and provincial politics, Mike Klander brings with him an innate understanding of Canada’s political process and an extensive national network. Prior to establishing his own government relations practice Mike held several senior positions within the Liberal Party.

As a senior political organizer Mike played a significant role in building Paul Martin’s Leadership organization in Ontario. Prior to joining Martin’s team, Mike helped build a national organization for Brian Tobin and also served as his Campaign Manager in Ontario.

As Executive Director of the Liberal Party of Canada (Ontario) Mike was responsible for managing the day to day affairs of the Federal Liberal Party in Ontario. In that capacity he served as Ontario Campaign Director during the 2000 Federal Election Campaign. In his eight years with the organization he held several other positions including Field Organizer, and Director of Field Operations.

An organizer in every federal and provincial election campaign since 1988 Mike has developed a comprehensive understanding of the political process and how government operates. Building on that experience, he established Klander and Associates; an independent government relations practice representing clients both in Ottawa and at Queen’s Park.

Mike has served and continues to assist numerous clients including Research in Motion, Inco, BFI Canada, Imperial Tobacco Canada, The Greater Toronto Home Builders Association, the International Union of Operating Engineers and the Air Canada Pilots Association.

As a volunteer Mike sits on the Board of the Ontario Special Olympics and Rose Cherry’s Home for Kids. He is also Executive Vice-President of the Liberal Party of Canada (Ontario).

He holds an Honours degree in Political Science from McMaster University.

I particularly enjoy his “comprehensive understanding of the political process and how government operates” since I believe he is exactly right. Politicians, by their very nature, are double-minded, portraying one face to the public, and their TRUE face to a select few insiders. I pray that more politicians would find hope in James words, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” (James 4:8) We ALL need to take that advice, so don’t think for an instant that I’m putting myself above or outside that counsel, because I need it just as much as anyone. Politicians just happen to be more public than others.

This is actually Mike Klander’s second biography on his website. The earlier one was a little more comprehensive and reinterated the word “integrity” more than once:

Mike Klander – Dedication and Integrity

Whether as a Campaign Manager, Election Day Chair, Party Staffer, Policy Director of the Ontario Young Liberals, Executive Director of LPC(O), Ontario Campaign Director (2000), or a Leadership Campaign Organizer, Mike Klander has demonstrated consistent integrity and versatility in the dispatch of his duties. Mike has proven his ability to create unity, inspire energy, engender trust and deliver results with our Party’s membership, elected officials, and voters at large. Indeed, for over fifteen years, he has been essential in building our Party and keeping it strong.

Mike Klander – Experience and Ability

After fifteen years of dedicated service in federal and provincial politics, Mike Klander brings much to the table. With an innate understanding of the Liberal Party, and an extensive national network, Mike offers our members experience and real ability.

As a senior political organizer for Paul Martin, Mike played a significant role in building Martin’s Leadership organization in Ontario. Prior to joining Martin’s team, Mike worked to build a national organization for Brian Tobin. Throughout all his leadership activities, Mike demonstrated real integrity, building bridges and promoting Party unity.

As Executive Director of the Liberal Party of Canada (Ontario), Mike was responsible for managing the day to day affairs of the Federal Liberal Party in this province. During that period, he also served as Ontario Campaign Director during the 2000 Federal Election Campaign.

As an organizer in every federal and provincial election since 1988, Mike has developed a comprehensive understanding of the Liberal Party, the political process and government affairs. Building on that experience, he established Klander and Associates in 2002, working as an independent public affairs consultant representing clients both in Ottawa and at Queen’s Park.

Originally from Hamilton, Mike now resides in Toronto with his Fiance Charrissa and her daughter Mcquiag, and Bailey, their 4 month-old chocolate lab. He holds an Honours degree in Political Science from McMaster University

It’s only a matter of time before Mike Klander’s name disappears from the net altogether. I’m sure he’s already contacted the webmaster of www.rosecherryshome.ca to get his name removed from the board of directors list. The last post on Mike’s blog before he deleted it sums things up nicely…

It would appear that more people viewed my blog than the small circle of friends it was intented for. I apologize if anyone was offended by my comments…they were meant to be in jest.

Reminds me of another passage of scripture: “Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I was only joking!” (Proverbs 26:18-19)

mike klander? who’s that?

Damage control is now in full gear as the Liberals try to downplay Klander’s role in the Liberal party. Stephen Heckbert’s response has been recorded in many news sources, including the Ottawa Citizen

Klander’s blog was personal and did not reflect the view of the federal Liberals, said Stephen Heckbert, a spokesman for the Liberal campaign in Ontario.

“I think he recognized that there’s some things that are outside the bounds of good taste,” Heckbert said. “And I think then it came to a decision that it would be better for the party and for him if he were to step down.”

Klander was a volunteer and did not play an official role for the Liberals during this campaign, Heckbert said, adding he has apologized to Chow.

“Obviously, this is something the Liberal Party of Canada doesn’t condone. It’s our view that partisan rhetoric has its limits.”

This “volunteer” who didn’t play an “official role” seemed to have a high enough profile on the Liberal Party of Canada (Ontario) website though, his stunning mug appearing below the Prime Minister’s:

The webpage has since been updated, Klader’s photo removed, and the Vice President’s position listed as “Vacant.” I have nothing against the Liberal party, really. I think they’ve done a pretty good job with a lot of things, actually. I generally vote for “people” not “parties” so Liberal, Conservative, NDP… I look at the party’s overall worldview of course, but I personally look to the people as my ultimate decision maker. I thought I should clarify that so people didn’t get the idea that I was an anti-Liberal or something. I’ve voted Liberal more than a few times

www.Can’tKeepMyBigMouthShut.com

The hits just keep on coming as yet another Liberal advisor demonstrates the Principle of Government Verbosity (PGV). Mathematicians use the formula “V = P(T x t)²” but in layman’s terms it means that the quantity of verbal-diarrhea is directly proportional to the total governmental power multiplied buy the square of the time your party’s been in power multiplied by the time you’ve personally been in power. To simplify it even more, the longer you sit on the throne, the more stuff starts coming out both ends.

We’ve already drawn attention to the dynamic Liberal Advisor duo Scott Reid and John Duffy in a previous post who seem to believe families who draw money from social services are more apt to purchase “beer & popcorn” than child care. Well, the hits just keep on coming. Now Liberal advisor Mike Klander has demonstrated his grasp of the media subtleties involved in politics. As his website, www.klander.ca (aka www.mikeklander.com) proudly boasts:

Mike Klander is a highly specialized and well respected government relations consultant assisting clients both at Queen’s Park in Ontario and at the Federal Government level in Ottawa.

Whether managing a crisis, proposing a new initiative, monitoring legislation, or simply building political relationships, Klander and Associates can help your business or association navigate through government.

If Mike Klander is your navigator, then I suggest you start sizing up your other passengers and figure out which one you should eat first as you find yourself stranded on a icy rock in the middle of the North Atlantic. Our friend Mike, you see, decided that it would be a great idea to have a personal blog where he could air his opinions. Our friend Mike decided to keep his website at klander.blogspot.com under his real name. Our friend Mike even had the ingenious idea of naming his personal blog after his professional website, “MIKEKLANDER.COM.” Our friend Mike also decided to be crass, use profane language, make slurs against homosexuals, and compare NDP candidate Olivia Chow to a dog. Guess what our friend Mike is doing now? Yes, that’s right, he’s deleting his page, apologizing to everyone (and their dog) and resigning.

Links to the story:

• The Globe & Mail
• The Toronto Star
• The National Post
• MacLean’s

I hereby offer this warning to all Liberal advisors: SHUT UP! Just be quiet! Advise your Liberal party colleagues in private, and then remove your left sock, and place it firmly in your mouth. Don’t say anything else, ever. In fact, when you go home to your spouse and kids, keep the sock in there… you wouldn’t want one of them sharing your opinions either. Oh, and don’t have friends either. Poor ol’ Mike has a friend by the name of Chris Wakelin who also had a blog on blogspot in which he backed up his pal Mike last September with this stunning endoresement:

As you may know, my good friend Mike Klander (www.klander.ca) is running for exec V.P of the Liberal Party of Canada (Ontario). Given Mike’s experience as a staffer and an executive director, I cannot think of a more qualified person for the job. He understands the need to extend bridges to those shut out since Leadership, get accurate membership lists and all that other [CENSORED] that the average member needs. Besides that he has a kick[CENSORED] watch that will tell you the weather (temperature and barometric pressure). He over paid for it but assures me he would be more frugal with party funds. The bottom line I am supoorting even though he fired me. That should say something. hahaha just kidding, I was laid off. Go to [CENSORED]. (Profanity censored by Pete)

Chris has since deleted his blog. I’m not sure if deleting his blog had anything to do with Mike’s current blog-controversy, but it was probably a smart idea anyway. Liberals – saying what needs to be said, and then apologizing and resigning for saying it.

bored?

Hey, if you’re sitting around with nothing to do, head on over to WalrusGiggles.com where I just posted some games. See if you can beat my high-score on “Santa Sling!”

merry christmas

It’s Christmas morning, and once again, I’m the first one awake. It almost brings back memories of when I was a kid. Growing up in a secular household, it was all about the presents. I’d get up at 4 am just to stare in awe and wonder at the mountain of booty under the tree, and just sit there… vibrating… waiting for someone else to wake up. I’d start making my breakfast, clunking and bashing and clanging as loud as I could, hoping that someone would wake up from all the noise.

Today, I’m sitting here at 8:30 am on Christmas morning, and thinking how things have changed. My daughter is sound asleep, partially because she has a different understanding of Christmas than I did at her age. We’re not a wealthy family – not “financially comfortable” to use a self-indulgent western phrase – so you won’t find big-ticket items under our tree. Even if we did have money to spare, you still wouldn’t find that stuff under our tree. It would ruin the whole day.

In fact, I could do without presents at all. I could easily get rid of the tree, the big socks, the snow, and all of the mainstream Christmas traditions. As I sit here on Christmas morning, I think of the fact that I’m in a nice warm house. I have a wife who I love sleeping in our bedroom. I have a daughter sleeping on the bottom bunk in her room. I go to a school where we sit around and talk about Jesus Christ. In a few hours, I’m going to walk into a church where I will publicly worship my God. Then I will come home, and enjoy a day with my family.

For me, Christmas isn’t about the western traditions. It’s not about presents, or even family feel-good moments. It’s not even about Christ’s birthday, since I’m well aware of the fact that Jesus was likely born a few years before, in the spring. For me, Christmas is about celebrating the fact that, despite how very small and insignificant my life is, God got involved with it. I didn’t earn my life… he gave it to me. I didn’t win my family by being on the “nice” list. He gave them to me. I don’t deserve a pinch of it, and He knows I don’t, but here we are anyway.

Praise Him. Sing of His glory, His grace, His mercy and His undeserved favour. “Christmas” is just a day, but may that day bring to mind a God who didn’t just sit back and watch stuff happen. God got His hands dirty. He got involved. Praise Him forever.

wal-mart what?

There’s very little funnier than reading sources that are clearly biased. There’s no balance, no fairness and certainly no compromise. The only thing funnier than that is reading two seperate uber-biased sources, one from each side of an issue. Case in point: WalMartWatch.com is a website dedicated to publishing the true facts about the world’s largest retail chain. Meanwhile, WalMartFacts.com is a website dedicated to publishing the true facts about the world’s largest retail chain. Both sites publish headlines about Wal-Mart that have appeared in the local news. Let’s take a look at a few of the headlines each side has highlighted, and see if you can guess which position each site represents…

From WalMartWatch.com: “Wal-Mart admits probe over hazardous waste”
From WalMartFacts.com: “Garth Brooks socializes with shoppers at Waveland, Miss., Wal-Mart”

From WalMartWatch.com: “Kroger’s plan to neutralise the Wal-Mart threat”
From WalMartFacts.com: “Wal-Mart Deploys Solar, Wind, Sustainable Design”

From WalMartWatch.com: “Wal-Mart fires manager in alleged discrimination”
From WalMartFacts.com: “Four local organizations receive Wal-Mart grants”

From WalMartWatch.com: “Children protest outside Wal-Mart”
From WalMartFacts.com: “Health care a priority at Wal-Mart”

From WalMartWatch.com: “Wal-Mart opponents get no satisfaction”
From WalMartFacts.com: “Library receives donation [from Wal-Mart] for children’s program”

It’s a tough call, isn’t it? Ah well, see if you can guess…

two nights before christmas

Two nights before Christmas, and all through the house
One could hear keystrokes and clicks of a mouse.
The Walrus was checking the registrar’s site
To see if his grades had been posted last night.

He typed in his password and clicked on the link
And while the page loaded he started to think
“What if I failed?” he thought with a shudder
“What could I possibly say to my mother?”

“What would my family think of me then?
If out of one hundred, I only got ten?!”
And as he fretted and fussed in great fear
The registrar’s website began to appear

Slowly it loaded, as if stuck in molasses
“If this doesn’t load soon, I’ll kick all their… classes!
I’ll drop out of college! Who needs all this stress!?
I’ll start writing poems and be a stunning success!”

As his educational dreams slowly diminished
The page that was loading finally finished
And what to his wondering eyes should appear
But his first four grades from his classes this year

Bible and Christian Education were there
With an A and A-minus applied to the pair
Ministry and Psychology were next in the queue
The first a B-plus, oh wait, make that two!

This joyous news made the Walrus’s day!
And gave him a 3.58 GPA
He could now enjoy Christmas, his confidence firm
At least until he freaks out next term.